On My Mind!!!!

I mentioned this before but on March 25th, 2011 around 2pm my husband was given the diagnosis of Leukemia.  He went into the doctor for what he thought was a sinus infection.  His lymphnodes in his neck had been swollen and for the first time he went on his own.  I didn't have a clue he was going, which to me is a huge thank you to the Lord because it just isn't something my love would do.  By 3:30pm we were at the Markey Cancer Center.  The only way I can describe that moment is if I were standing still in the center of a room and the room was spinning 1000 miles per minute around me and all I can see are glimpses of our life.  I have to say it has been extremely hard.  I was on my antidepressants but with taking care of my husband and now our entire way of life I quit taking them.  I just didn't have time.  I have had emotions all over the board.  No doubt because I stopped taking my medicine cold turkey.  I have felt so alone.  I have battled between am I really alone or is it me and my brain.  It's funny when you are watching someone you love and someone you thought you would grow old with go thru so much, it hard to think clearly.  You go from being from you just know that you know they are healed to what if they die?  How can I have my life without my husband?  The pain is sometimes just so unbearable.  You start trying to research everything you can to see if you are using the best methods and how you can fast and pray till God personally comes down and tells you , "its okay, they are healed!"  You watch your children try to adjust to their new life and silently read their journals after you have prayed over them at night and see they too are praying "Dear God, don't let my daddy die!"  Our walk with God has sustained us but it is in times like this that you really have to decide which road you are going to take.  I mean, do you decide to continuously live in this life of what ifs, becoming someone you barely know, pushing friends away and using religion as mask or do you truly decide to trust God and just be honest with yourself and say, I am not okay with this but with Daddy God we are going to be okay.  I have truly spent the last few months with knots in my stomach from allowing fear to grip my life, pushing friends away and hiding.  Trying to avoid the facts and live on maybes.  God's word is the truth.  This verse was brought to my attention recently,

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b?

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6.  It's truly a time of growth.  Yes the circumstances that are bringing about this growth are less then ideal but nevertheless it's an opportunity for me and my family to truly learn to Trust the Lord.  To learn to not control life because I tell you, you truly don't have control no matter how much you think you do.  To truly face the the things in life that have caused you to be depressed or whatever it is that makes you who you are.  I really want God to have all of me and I have been trying with all my heart.  Every time a negative thought comes to me I pray against that thought and then I pray for whoever, if anyone, that I thought about.  I thank God that He is with me.  That He has not forsaken me.  I have watched people come in and out of lives but one thing is certain God, has NEVER left us.  He is always there.  No Matter WHAT! 

My Prayer:  I give my praise to you Lord!  I love you with all that I am!  Bless all who read this.  Bless all who have been a part of our lives.  Help us to know when seasons have changed and you have a new walk for our lives.  Thank you that you are there when we are on our knees feeling alone.  May we always give you all the honor and glory because you are truly great. 

Long Time

Well, I wanted to open myself up and get things out verses holding them in. A lot has happened in the past 5 years. But my focus is mainly on my life right now. First off, I have failed God many many many times in the past. But I want my life back. I have been begging God to show up and He has been right here. He knows I express myself through writing. Not good at spelling or grammar most of the time but yet its how I am able to work through things going on. Let me start off by just being honest about me. Yes, I have been going to church for the past 23 years of my life. I backslid several times but always find my way back to God. Thank You Lord for Your Grace and Mercy and Your LOVE for me. I have dealt with depression my entire life. I can remember being 5 and wanting to kill myself. I was diagnosed by an official doctor when I was 13. It was at that point I was placed on antidepressants and nerve pills. My family couldn't afford to keep me on the medicine so needless to say I was in my 20's before I was ever able to get back on them again. I have spent the past 15 years of my life going back and forth on them. One reason I have questioned whether I am allowing God to work a miracle in me by taking them. So, I have had many issues between suicidal thoughts to obsessive over friends and issues in my life. Friends left me and I understand why. God never did. Now to the nitty gritty of my issues. I am a control freak. I have put such an emphasis on what others think about me and gaining acceptance that I lost focus of the things that mattered. I have never been one to have friends or deeper issue at hand is I don't trust. I am a very angry and bitter person. I don't forgive and have therefore been a hypocrite. Now most would be like wow in a depressive mood, are ya? No, God has brought me along way. On my March 25th of this year, my husband who I love very much was diagnosed with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia. To top all of this off, he was further diagnosed with a gene mutation called Flt3 which does not respond to chemo as far as a cure.  We have truly been stripped of everything we knew about our lives. I have lost all control of my life and my families life.  I have despised this road. I have become a very bitter and mean human being. I have been mad at God and friends and just life. For someone who is not on antidepressants its been the worst walk of my life. Until recently. Life is not miracuously grand and all is fixed in my world but I have been in deep prayer and reflection. I want to share these reflections in a completely raw and honest way. I am not going to allow the devil a stronghold on my life and my families life, which is what I have been doing. I have blamed people that didn't deserve to be blamed and talked about people out of anger and frankly I have been the one in the wrong. I allowed anger into my life because I couldn't control it anymore. Thing is God needs me to trust. Something I have never done, with anyone. Until I can trust Him I can't trust life and people and I am never going to have a good life. I can either stay in this angry mode or I can listen up to what God is wanting to show me. I am going to share my husbands journey and my journey and our children's journey. I want to be who I am for once in my life and stop being a hypocrite and living a lie. I want others to see there are others dealing with the exact same issues and how life is. Okay, self absorbed, I am truly just doing what I feel God wants me to do. So here we go.......