New Opportunities......

Every moment we have is a new opportunity to do something great for the Lord.  So many times I have sat back and let those moments just pass me by thinking that I will have that opportunity again.  The thing is its not about getting the opportunity again.  It's about learning to look past whatever the excuse is of not doing and just go for it.  My weight.....gosh how I can't stand being overweight.  It effects every bit of my being.   I don't take pictures because I don't like seeing what I have become.  I sit and I watch my husband and I am just in awe at how strong of a man he is and not just in the physical sense but in his love for the Lord.  The integrity that he has is beyond words.  I am blessed by God that he is in my life.  After the past few months of his sickness and the things we are still dealing with but overcoming, I have learned more then ever the meaning of new opportunities.  I don't want to waste moments out of laziness or out of fear of failure or whatever the excuses may be because God is truly all encompassing.  He gives me just what I need to overcome whatever comes my way.  He has been showing my family that since March 25th of this year.  Life is gonna be hard but life is beautiful.  The lessons we learn help to make us who we are.  I am an over comer because the Lord says I am.  My faith and hope is in Him.  So all these excuses really need to be gone.  He gives me exactly what I need to conquer whatever it is.  When I don't think I am loved, all I need to do is look around me.  His presence is there waiting for me to take His hand and walk through my trails.  I told someone today I am a major control freak.  Even in all this we have had experiences I have tried to control down to the smallest of details.  Every single time I have done that, something happens and I hear deep in my heart, "Let go and give it to me!"  You would think that after the thousandth time I would have listened and let go.  With me, I am seeing that trying to be in control of things in life only brings fears, sadness, and a very huge sense of failure.  God doesn't want me to control, He loves me enough to say, "Let Me!"   I truly with all my heart want to let Him.  My weight, is a product of my needing to control.  I felt like I needed to control my entire life from the time I was 7.  Every time I failed, I was reminded of it and being a child and now an adult I strive, I control so much just to do everything perfect.  NEWSFLASH TO ME.....I am so not perfect. I haven't been able to accept my failures and move on from them.  I have held them close to me and all the time God was saying "Let Me!"  God has revealed to me that every time I try to control whatever it is that is going on, I am setting myself up for that same failure.  I am bringing on more and more stress and drowning my pain and fears out with whatever I can.  NO MORE!!  God knew me before I was born and this is not what He planned for me!  I am going to do my very very best to release control and "Let Him."  The wonderful part about God's love is that He hasn't left me because I failed so many times but He has embraced me even more.  Helping me along the way to this very moment to see things when I was ready to see them, gentle, nuturing and loving is what He is!!  I can do all things with God, losing my weight is one of them.  My husband is gaining ground now and his white blood cells that were over 30,000 on March 25th are now 4,000 and staying there.  He is still getting over some humps but nothing that God doesn't have under control.  How funny, God's control!!!  As I lay here to go to sleep, I pray that the Lord helps me to always see His way and not mine.  That I can be obedient no matter how hard the situation is and just let Him do what He has willed.  That I will not find comfort in being in control because in the end that disappears and the false sense of comfort that was brought brings things not of God.  That in being obedient and following Him, I will lose my weight and the new moments, the new opportunities He has for me I will take for His glory!   I thank the Lord for all He does.  I thank Him for His love for me and for everyone and for new opportunities! 

The Hardest Parts of Life Make Us Stronger......

The past week has been really tough.  I miss having my husband home.  Just typing it makes me want to cry.  I haven't been able to sleep all week, so I am very very tired.  I can't remember ever being so worn out.  I do believe this week has been the hardest period of this whole walk with Acute Myeloid Leukemia.  My precious husband has hit a spot where he has been sick and very tired.  Every night I have to leave him to come home really makes it harder.  All I can do is cry all the way home.  His mouth is severely sore with blisters and so forth from the chemo. His body is weak from no blood and platelets and he is in pain.  He is pale with no colors in his lips and all I can do is just sit and watch.  He has constant severe headaches from the anti rejection medicine.  I can't help him and I can't take away his pain.  So I just lay in the bed next to him, praying over him and rubbing his head because it helps him sleep.  It is one of those moments that I want to just belt out crying like never before but I can't do that because I have to stay strong for our children.  I am counting down the days till his brothers cells begin to take root in his body.  Today is day 9.  We were told it would take 10 to 16 days to see what they are doing.  I am believing with all of me that they will begin to see them taking root.  We received a call earlier in the week from a dear dear friend who was telling us of a vision that was received about Kenneth.  This guy who he knows and cares for dearly said he saw white stars all around Kenneth coming from his body.  All of this symbolizing purity. 
Webster Definition :

1. the quality or state of being pure

2. saturation

God's love is pure and I know that He is encompassing every single one of us with that love.  He is making that which was not pure, pure!  I have questioned this walk from the beginning of why it has to be so hard and why everything around us is changing and disappearing.  I mean, I am not talking just one thing, I am talking every single thing in our lives is changing.  I have to say there is no real answer that I can personally give to this.  Only God can answer it and I have to trust God, which I do, that He is there.  I have learned so many things about myself that I don't think I would have learned otherwise because I was soooo involved in myself and my issues.  Issues that to be honest, are such a waste of time when it comes to my walk with God.  They have only served as distractions that have kept me from growing the way God wanted.  I am stronger and will be stronger when this is all over.  My husband as weak as he is at this very moment will be made whole and new and stronger then ever.  My children, all I can say is WOW!  They may have grew up a little bit more then I would have liked in the past few months but their knowledge and wisdom that is only a gift from God has grew in ways I would have ever imagined.  There is going to be that day when this walk is going to be much clearer.  When my husband will be fulfilling his calling upon his life and with a greater love and greater wisdom and knowledge then he ever had.  Until then, I am moving onward, knowing that God is wiping away our tears, and God is delivering us of our fears and one day because of this walk, we will be made stronger and because of that, so will others for His glory. 

3:06am....

So I can't sleep.  I have my babies back home now and I am happy about it but at the same time I am so sad that I am not with my husband who has been sick today.  It's very hard to be in every place you feel like you are suppose to be.  I don't know why it is like that for me.   I look at some people and they are just so matter of fact and know that they know where they are suppose to be and just do it but I am always feeling overwhelmed wondering where am I suppose to be.  My husband needs me, my children need me, life needs me.  I was laying in the bed a few ago talking with God and just thinking and seriously it was like my head was spinning.  I literally felt dizzy and sick to my stomach like i was on one of those super fast spinning rides.  So, I am up now.  NOW WHAT.......  God brought to my heart the statement, " I am made an over comer by the word."  Also, its one of those stop, rebuke and pray moments.  I have alot of those.

The positive of my evening.... we received a call of a vision that was seen about my hubby and it was very uplifting and inspiring.  It brought a spark of light in my husbands eyes tonight.  I praise God for those moments.  I mean my husband is always very positive for so many others but I can see when he is tired.  It really lifted him up to have another confirmation from the Lord of his healing.  Today was a hard day for him and so it truly was a blessing.  Praise God for His word. 

So now its 3:20am, sorry if this blog doesn't make alot of sense but I so love that the Lord has gave me this blog as a gift as in my way of releasing, no my way of stopping, rebuking and praying, hahaha.  I love you Lord.

God's gifting.....

Life is defined in the Webster as spiritual existence transcending physical death.  This is the one definition that stands out the most to me at this very moment.   

Love is defined in the Webster as an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others.  

Life can change in the blink of an eye, literally!!  November 25, 1995 I met the love of my life.  We were married in March of 1997 and had our first beautiful daughter in September of that year.  In December 2000 we had our next beautiful baby girl and in March of 2002 we completed our family with the birth of our handsome son.  Off and on for many years I missed seeing the miracle of life because I had a closed mind of thinking of life in the natural.  I remember when all three of my babies were born I just felt this wonderful feeling of God and how great He really was.  I thought when my son was born and to be honest, my hubby was done, I would never ever experience that again.  How so terribly wrong have I been.  One of the biggest things that Kenneth and I have talked about so many times is how we have had this world perspective.  We measure our value by what we see around us.  We see things one-sided, meaning, the miracle of life isn't in the birth of God's children only but the miracle of life really lies in God's love.  God's love isn't wrapped up one way and we don't get it in just one way.  God isn't a one way street that dead ends.  His love is never ending and life is just one form of that and life itself with God is not a dead end.  

Love today for us came in so many forms.  It started with my husband's brother showing up this morning and laying in a bed for over 6 hours giving of himself and not just physically but spiritually because of love.  It showed up with all the prayers of people we know and those we don't know that took time out of their day to bring us comfort.  Love showed up today in a cake that read "Happy New Birthday Ken"!  Love showed up in the eyes of my husbands parents as they stood by both their sons.  Love showed up today in those who came to be here with us when they could have been in other places.  Love showed up in a nurse who was with us the very night we found out Kenneth had cancer and made sure she was with us tonight to pray before the transplant started.  Love was in watching the very last drop of stem cell enter my husband and feeling that same feeling i felt the day my children were born.  God's gifting is life made by love.  The miracle of life can be seen in so many things because where there is life there is love!  Where there is love, there is God!!!  God has never left us and never will.  We celebrated the miracle of a new life tonight, that happened because of love.  Love that only God gives!!!  

On August 3rd from 7pm till 8:42pm, a healed and now healthy man was born.  His parents named him Kenneth Wayne Cook 40 years ago!! Praise to the Lord!! 

Praising the Lord....

Somewhere between noon and 6pm, Kenneth will be celebrating his new birthday thanks to his brothers love.  I know I hadn't posted the past couple of days but we have been in deep discussion about our life and in prayer about the new life we know that the Lord is providing.   This walk has not been the best walk if you look at it with world eyes but I have to say that I have learned so much.  Spiritually speaking, it has been the best walk.  God has opened our eyes and changed our hearts for the better. I praise you Lord for all you have done and will do.  I praise you for your healing and for walking us through this trial.  We don't know what the future holds but we do know that you will be there with us.  I love you so very much and I pray for all those who have helped us through this time.  I ask that you bless them for all their kindness and for especially their love.  We thank you for your love. 


Psalm 36:5 -7
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.”