Update......

     So I couldn't write in my blog for a couple of days.  I don't want to write here just to be writing because I want the Lord to be in everything that I do and say.  I want my Father to receive all the honor and glory, so I had to sit back and just wait to hear from Him. 
    1st I will start with Kenneth and his update.  Today is the 4th day for his chemo.  At first he was getting headaches and the second day his vision was very blurry.  They originally thought it was due to his medicine he is taking to prevent him from seizuring and then they came back and said no it was possibly precursor to a seizure and to make sure his eyes didn't start going all over the place and finally they came back with the answer that I felt peace about.  The steroids he takes and along with being on a sugar water IV has caused his sugar to skyrocket.  Because his sugar does fluctuate in extreme numbers it caused his headaches and his vision issue, which I must praise the Lord in saying is sooooo much better.  They really crack me up here because they seem so surprised that Kenneth doesn't throw up or have any other side effects but in hindsight I suppose that is where our faith is different from a doctor's knowledge.  We know that God is a healer. 
    Okay so now to the nitty gritty (not sure this is legally a word or words) of what has been going on here the past couple of days.  This blog only exists because it is truly what i feel the Lord wants me to do.  I do not ever want to be in myself typing away and talking because that would not be for the Lord's glory.  I think this is my gift from the Lord, to be able to vent and to share and to show how He works. So honestly speaking I don't even really know where God is going to take this blog as I write it but I do know He is saying to write it. 
    So I keep saying I have felt completely alone and I have not said it to be dismissive of anyone at all.  However, the power of life and death lies in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). But where do those words come from that bring life or death, they come from our heart.  But why does our heart have so many mixed emotions, which I am going to call confusion?  I don't know how many times I have heard that the Lord is not the author of confusion but I never really understood that until now.  The verse says this, "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints." (1 Cor.14:33)  I am realizing that I am getting confused in my heart because I am allowing lies of the enemy to infiltrate my heart and push out all that the Lord is putting in.  I have always been a very emotional person.  From as far back as I could remember as a child, I cried over every little thing.  My feelings have always been easy to hurt and over the slightest of things.  As a child I wasn't allowed to express myself.  I wasn't allowed to cry because I was viewed as a baby or weak. Please understand this isn't to put anyone down because its hard to understand an overly emotional person when you aren't an emotional person yourself.  However, in saying this it doesn't make it right to make someone who is emotional to surpress what they are feeling because you can.  I learned to cry silently in my room or wait till everyone was in the bed so no one would see.  I would pull the covers over my head and cry.  I don't ever remember sleeping through and entire night and was always afraid to speak or even look at people sometimes because I didn't feel worthy enough.  I mean I was an emotional person which meant to others I was the weak one.  This has carried with me through out my entire life. I have always felt like this and therefore I have been this way with my husband and people who have loved me.   But.... it stops here.  It's a lie from the devil that because we cry we are weak.  It's a lie from the devil because we can't deal with the things the way others do that we are weak and not worthy.  God makes us all different, and we tend to look at these differences through our flesh and not our spiritual self.  God knew how He was making me.  He knew I would be emotional but that emotion can be used for His glory.  I have spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me because I am this way but it's just the opposite.  Gosh, what a revelation.  It's time for a purging.  I spend alot of time putting myself down.  I had a friend tell me recently that it's like I try to make people mad at me so that I don't have to have friends.  I told them I didn't believe that but you know the past two days I am  realizing wow, I do do that.  I push people away so that I don't have to feel pain.  I felt it all my life and I am not going to give the devil credit because he can't make us do anything.  If we do it, its because we choose to do it.  We choose to believe this lie or that lie or choose to read into other people's actions.  Yes, my name is Melissa Cook and I am an emotional person.  I am not unworthy of love, I am not weak but I am strong and loving and ready to receive the Love the Lord has been trying to give me all my life.  I don't want to sound like a broken record but my goodness, once again, I understand why God has told me to Stop, Rebuke and Pray.   Stop the lie, rebuke the lie, and pray.  Pray and purge your heart of anything that is not of God.  How do I know if it's from God or not?  Go to His word, better yet learn who He is.  Understand His love and what it's truly about.  I can assure you it's not confusing, it's not demeaning, it's not hurtful and it doesn't try to change who He created you to be in the first place.  It does however, purge out the things that are not part of who He has made us to be.  Are you feeling unloved?  That's not God.  Do you feel like you don't belong?  That's not God.  Do you feel like you can't cry?  That's not God.  Do you feel like something is wrong because you don't cry?  That's not God.  We are all different but we are all loved and created just for His purpose. 

Prayer:  My dearest Dad, I thank you for your walk.  I know that I cannot change myself but you can change me and help me to be who it is you called and created me for.  I ask that you be with all of us and help us to purge those things from our heart that cause confusion and hurtful feelings.  We know these things are not of You.  Please help us to be understanding of each other and know that we are compliments of one another.  Forgive me for pushing people who loved me away.  For making them feel like they are unworthy of love.  We all serve the purpose of bringing You glory.  What an honor my heavenly Father that you love me despite my weaknesses and understand me and know exactly how to cleanse me.  You knew the moment I was born what trials would encompass me but you also knew that I would be here at this very moment seeking you and loving you even more.  I thank you that you will continue to walk with me as I give you all that I have to purge out these lies that have been planted deep within me.  Thank you for your deliverance and for your greatness.  Thank you for being there, ALWAYS...... I love you!

My Natural versus My Spiritual!!!!!!!!

      Kenneth just took his first 10 pills of Busulfan. I got up this morning and played worship music in this room and I have been praying.  At the exact same time of him taking his pills I am looking out the window and the sky is lit up orange in the distance. A new beginning for a new day!!
     Kenneth and I have both been talking and learning that if you step back for just a moment and make a true effort to see what is going on you will see it for what it is in the spiritual.  Example for me there are and have been many times I deal with feeling like I have no one and in the flesh that may be so because of work or business of life or even just a new season and it's not time for me to have someone there but in the flesh it feels horrible and lonely and you begin creating these scenarios that really serve no purpose but to make you feel horrible.  It's a snowball effect, in the flesh, the reason why they are not there gets bigger and bigger and bigger until you truly have yourself convinced that you just aren't loved and you cry and your stomach is upset.  However, in the spiritual, you know that God's word says,

¹⁵ “If you love Me, keep^[d] My commandments. ¹⁶ And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. ¹⁸ I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. (John 14)

     I am so thankful to the Lord because I am watching my husband start his new life and I am blessed that I get to be a part of it.  I don't mean a new life in the flesh, even though we are believing he is healed but a new life in the spiritual.  He is a new creature in Christ.  Many people are and will be new creatures in Christ.  We go through trials in this life and in the flesh they hurt sometimes tremendously but our spiritual side is being molded for God's use.  Yes, we may feel alone but we are truly not alone.  I am learning with the Lord, that things happen but don't let yourself, that flesh to formulate what is going on because it will lie to you.  It's how the enemy works but allow the spirit within you to show you a different side, a side of hope and love.  With me, this is where I am learning to use the Stop, Rebuke and Pray.   If something comes to me or happens to me that really just begins to tear me up, whether it be about a person or an event.  I stop immediately, I remember God's word to me, and I rebuke the lie of the enemy.  I call it out for what it is, whether it be loneliness or fear.  Then I pray if it involves an individual, I pray for them because I want them to be blessed and uplifted and I want them to feel God's love, if its the situation I let go of it.  Don't forget to Stop.... Rebuke..... and Pray.   I cannot CONTROL life nor does God want me to.  That is where the peace that surpasses all understanding comes from.  God is the guide we just have to let Him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is there to take that stress away, that fear away.  I love you my dear Father.

Hillsong - You Are My Strength w/ lyrics

So far today!!

Well we have arrived at the "Hotel Markey" as my hubby likes to refer to it.  He is currently having a Lumbar Puncture done.  One reason is to draw spinal fluid to make sure there is no cancer in his spine or in his brain.  Second reason is to insert his first round of chemo directly into that area.  He was so dreading it and I was dreading it for him.  It's odd because he is grown man but my heart aches for him just like it does when my babies have something done that hurts or when they were little and got shots and you had to hold them down.  So I am sitting here in the corner typing so that I don't cry and praying for him at the same time.  We have seen all his doctors today and they have told us this last round (notice I am saying LAST) round of chemo will be the harshest he has received.  He will receive Busulfan every 6 hours from Tomorrow, Wednesday till Saturday.  Then Sunday and Monday he will receive Cylcophosphamide for two days straight.  Then on Tuesday, August 2nd, he will receive Tacrolimus for 24hrs.  This particular drug is not chemo but is a medication they use to people who will be receiving a transplant of any form to help prevent rejection.  Then Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011 is transplant day.  So we are believing he is healed but also understand that we have this walk to take to get there.  The things God has showed us in the walk and the lessons we have learned has helped us to become closer to the Lord.  We are truly blessed even in the middle of all this and yes times have and are rough but I love the Lord so much and all we want is for His Glory to shine!!!

Switchfoot - Your Love Is A Song Lyrics :)

Stop... Rebuke.... Pray!!!

I have been having attacks one after the other but don't we all.  It just really makes you feel weak when you fail the attacks.  God has given me the power to over come the devil and his antics.  Like I said I have not been doing so great over the past few months.  I mean I have felt like everyone was against me, even if they weren't.  I have allowed negativity to effect my walk with God and the walk He had in place for me.  But God gave me something recently, I was sitting here praying and boo hooing and all that stuff and I asked God how do I over come?  I mean you tell me I am made and over comer by the word but how do I actually become and effective over comer.  All I heard for a moment was Stop... Drop.... & Roll.  Now I know they still teach this in schools and its one of those things that will forever be stuck in my mind.   So God gives this to me and I sat there for a moment going okay, how am I am over comer by that?  At that moment the words Stop, rebuke and pray came to me and then instantly my spirit was lining up with what God was telling me. In the flesh if we are on fire and we don't stop drop and roll we will burn up and die.  It's exactly the same thing in the spiritual.  If I decide to let the devil start fires in me that burn down my esteem, my thoughts, God's truth, my love and so on, then I die.  The depression, is a fire in me that I need to stop, rebuke, and pray.  My fear of death, stop, rebuke and pray.  The fire is put out.  Just like in the flesh, I need to be doing things that keep the fire out.  I need to be in God's word, I need to strive to make Him the center of my life and not be distracted by things I use to cover up my feelings.  I will not retreat, I will fight the front line of this battle.  That song they sing at church, We are made for battle!!  I am made for Battle Lord.  I will and do stop, rebuke and pray several several times a day but I am an over comer. Praise to the Lord, ALWAYS!

Prayer:  Dear Lord, I thank you for your direction.  I thank you that you are working within me and my family.  I praise your name for bringing me peace.  For carrying me and my family during this time.  For the start of a new life tomorrow.  For my husbands healing.  For molding me in your hands and not dropping me.  My dearest dad, I thank you for lifting up all those we know.  For your protection around them.  For them being a part of our lives no matter the extent.  For the blessings that you have and will continue to bestow up everyone.  I praise you and honor you always my precious Father.  I love you with all of me and thank you for teaching me to accept that love. Amen!

I have given you power over all of satans power, no one will harm you!!!!

I am really trying to be strong today and will need to be tomorrow.  I have to leave my babies for a while.  I hate that our family has to be so separated.  All I want to do is cry but I hold it in.  I have never ever liked not being with them but I know in the end we are going to be a stronger family.  Sometimes, I just want to scream.  It's one of those times I feel my depression hitting me.  Today when I got up my daily verse on my phone was the one above and I thought you know what that is soooo true and I felt wonderful.  My husband and I had a date today which was really nice.  But then I got home and my babies were making me notes and signs and so forth and it makes me really sad.  God help me to get through this.  Help me to be strong for my husband who needs me.  Help me to be strong for my kids.  Thank you for your hedge of protection around them. I ask that you bless all those that we know and don't know. Bless everyone and help us all to walk in Your Will.   Help me to have all Your peace in my heart.  I thank you Daddy God that you are purging fear from my heart as we speak.  I am a mighty woman of Yours and my family, we are all walking in Your Healing Hand.  

The Count Down.....

Well today starts the countdown to the transplant.  Kenneth wants to go spend some time with his parents and we are dropping the kids off with them.  Then sometime next week I believe my Sister is getting them.  Then around the 10th my mom is coming.  Kenneth goes in Tuesday and begins his 7 days of chemo.  It's suppose to be the harshest ever, it is to permanently shut his system down forever.  Then on August 3rd, they are suppose to insert his brothers stem cells.  So with this and having to leave my kids 3 hours away from me, its a tad stressful.  I know God is with us so that gives me peace.  My husband is walking in his healing and my children are protected by the hand of God.  I will update often. 

A Prayer From a Dear Friend....

A dear friend of mine sent this to me this evening.  It's so very fitting for my day.  I think my biggest issue is that with the cancer, my life, my friends everything has changed so much.  It's hard to let go of things and people that God is moving out because you do love them so very much.  However, in order for them to grow in God and for God's will to be done, I have to lean on God to get me through this change in my life and cry to Him.  Lord knows how much my heart is sadden but like my baby girl said tonight, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it!" 

The Prayer From My Friend. ( May you lift all in my life up Lord and may their blessings overflow.  May they always feel your peace and glory around them, if even in the sunrise and sunset.  I love you Lord and I thank YOU!)

"Father, in the name of Jesus, I come before You, confessing my need for You, and crying out to you from the bottom of my heart. Lord, You've said that you are near to those whose hearts are breaking and that you give grace to the humble. I humble myself before you now...I cast down any pride or self-justification that I would hide behind, and I present myself to you as I truly am--weak and helpless and despairing of my very life. I know there is no other Rock but You, and I turn to You with all of my heart. Father, please forgive my sin! I open myself up to receive Your cleansing, Your healing, Your forgiveness, and Your faith, hope and love into my being. I receive your love as a river, washing over the dry wasteland of my emotions. I see that in Your river there is life, and that every place your river touches in me is revived. I cast all my cares, my sorrows, my disappointments into that river and I let the current of Your spirit carry them far away. I believe You, when You say that You think good thoughts about me, and that Your plans are to give me a future and a hope. I believe You when You say that You knew who I was even before my mother conceived me--and that You wanted me to be alive on the earth right now. Thank you for giving me life! Thank you for working all things in my life for good! Thank you that I can call on your Name and You will be near me. Thank you for bearing all my weaknesses and diseases on the cross, and healing me, spirit, soul and body."

One of those days!!!

Need prayer!!  I got up this morning and I rebuked the devil and his attacks and prayed over my children and my husband and felt wonderful.  Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't have one single day without something going on.  Life is changing so fast I can't breath sometimes but I won't be beaten down.  I will continue to walk with the Lord no matter how hard this gets some days and it is one of those days.  Will post a little more later.

Prayer:  Lord help me to have your peace.  Forgive me where I have failed you and help me to have a heart that is filled with your love no matter what may come my way. 

Here We Go......

Ok in approximately 45 minutes I am leaving to go climb a mountain/knob of a mountain.  No matter the size of this it kicks my butt.  I am going with some great gals from church.  These girls are all beautiful and I am huge in size compared to them.  They have been inviting me for over a week now and I didn't want to go because I am sooooooooo insecure over my weight, but its time to kick this butt of mine into shape.  So here goes the confession.  I am 5'6 and I weigh 261 as of today.  I am double what my natural weight should be and my bmi is in the extremely obese meaning I am just plain fat.  So I will climb this mountain with my friends and see if i can make it to my car.  hahahah. 

Prayer:  Dear Lord, Thank you for being with me.  Thank you for helping me to stop and pray and rebuke any negativity in my life.  Help me to be who it is you wish me to be.  Help me to accept that changes that come with being that person.  Fill me with your love and let that ooze from me for all others around.  And Dear Lord, help me up this mountain!!!!  Both Physically and Mentally.

On My Mind!!!!

I mentioned this before but on March 25th, 2011 around 2pm my husband was given the diagnosis of Leukemia.  He went into the doctor for what he thought was a sinus infection.  His lymphnodes in his neck had been swollen and for the first time he went on his own.  I didn't have a clue he was going, which to me is a huge thank you to the Lord because it just isn't something my love would do.  By 3:30pm we were at the Markey Cancer Center.  The only way I can describe that moment is if I were standing still in the center of a room and the room was spinning 1000 miles per minute around me and all I can see are glimpses of our life.  I have to say it has been extremely hard.  I was on my antidepressants but with taking care of my husband and now our entire way of life I quit taking them.  I just didn't have time.  I have had emotions all over the board.  No doubt because I stopped taking my medicine cold turkey.  I have felt so alone.  I have battled between am I really alone or is it me and my brain.  It's funny when you are watching someone you love and someone you thought you would grow old with go thru so much, it hard to think clearly.  You go from being from you just know that you know they are healed to what if they die?  How can I have my life without my husband?  The pain is sometimes just so unbearable.  You start trying to research everything you can to see if you are using the best methods and how you can fast and pray till God personally comes down and tells you , "its okay, they are healed!"  You watch your children try to adjust to their new life and silently read their journals after you have prayed over them at night and see they too are praying "Dear God, don't let my daddy die!"  Our walk with God has sustained us but it is in times like this that you really have to decide which road you are going to take.  I mean, do you decide to continuously live in this life of what ifs, becoming someone you barely know, pushing friends away and using religion as mask or do you truly decide to trust God and just be honest with yourself and say, I am not okay with this but with Daddy God we are going to be okay.  I have truly spent the last few months with knots in my stomach from allowing fear to grip my life, pushing friends away and hiding.  Trying to avoid the facts and live on maybes.  God's word is the truth.  This verse was brought to my attention recently,

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b?

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6.  It's truly a time of growth.  Yes the circumstances that are bringing about this growth are less then ideal but nevertheless it's an opportunity for me and my family to truly learn to Trust the Lord.  To learn to not control life because I tell you, you truly don't have control no matter how much you think you do.  To truly face the the things in life that have caused you to be depressed or whatever it is that makes you who you are.  I really want God to have all of me and I have been trying with all my heart.  Every time a negative thought comes to me I pray against that thought and then I pray for whoever, if anyone, that I thought about.  I thank God that He is with me.  That He has not forsaken me.  I have watched people come in and out of lives but one thing is certain God, has NEVER left us.  He is always there.  No Matter WHAT! 

My Prayer:  I give my praise to you Lord!  I love you with all that I am!  Bless all who read this.  Bless all who have been a part of our lives.  Help us to know when seasons have changed and you have a new walk for our lives.  Thank you that you are there when we are on our knees feeling alone.  May we always give you all the honor and glory because you are truly great. 

Quick Quick Note

Ok, so every morning I wake up to my stomach being in knots. It's like I am suppose to be worried or something. Like there is impending disaster before the day ends. Well.... I am calling this out. It is a lie from Satan. The Lord is about love and greatness. I know that I know my heart is completely His and I know that the Lord is there to protect me. So... in saying this, before I even raised up in my bed, I reached over to my laptop that was next to me and played Psalm 23. I am truly going to refuse to allow the devil strongholds in my life. God has called me and everyone to greatness but we have to go for it. My verse is this: The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7.

On to something else. After all this, I have decided to create my own blog design. So my wonderful hubby was showing me how it works because he is the master at designing and coding for websites. Well, he is to me anyway. Ok, so I am truly going to attempt this and with the Lord I can do all things.

Long Time

Well, I wanted to open myself up and get things out verses holding them in. A lot has happened in the past 5 years. But my focus is mainly on my life right now. First off, I have failed God many many many times in the past. But I want my life back. I have been begging God to show up and He has been right here. He knows I express myself through writing. Not good at spelling or grammar most of the time but yet its how I am able to work through things going on. Let me start off by just being honest about me. Yes, I have been going to church for the past 23 years of my life. I backslid several times but always find my way back to God. Thank You Lord for Your Grace and Mercy and Your LOVE for me. I have dealt with depression my entire life. I can remember being 5 and wanting to kill myself. I was diagnosed by an official doctor when I was 13. It was at that point I was placed on antidepressants and nerve pills. My family couldn't afford to keep me on the medicine so needless to say I was in my 20's before I was ever able to get back on them again. I have spent the past 15 years of my life going back and forth on them. One reason I have questioned whether I am allowing God to work a miracle in me by taking them. So, I have had many issues between suicidal thoughts to obsessive over friends and issues in my life. Friends left me and I understand why. God never did. Now to the nitty gritty of my issues. I am a control freak. I have put such an emphasis on what others think about me and gaining acceptance that I lost focus of the things that mattered. I have never been one to have friends or deeper issue at hand is I don't trust. I am a very angry and bitter person. I don't forgive and have therefore been a hypocrite. Now most would be like wow in a depressive mood, are ya? No, God has brought me along way. On my March 25th of this year, my husband who I love very much was diagnosed with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia. To top all of this off, he was further diagnosed with a gene mutation called Flt3 which does not respond to chemo as far as a cure.  We have truly been stripped of everything we knew about our lives. I have lost all control of my life and my families life.  I have despised this road. I have become a very bitter and mean human being. I have been mad at God and friends and just life. For someone who is not on antidepressants its been the worst walk of my life. Until recently. Life is not miracuously grand and all is fixed in my world but I have been in deep prayer and reflection. I want to share these reflections in a completely raw and honest way. I am not going to allow the devil a stronghold on my life and my families life, which is what I have been doing. I have blamed people that didn't deserve to be blamed and talked about people out of anger and frankly I have been the one in the wrong. I allowed anger into my life because I couldn't control it anymore. Thing is God needs me to trust. Something I have never done, with anyone. Until I can trust Him I can't trust life and people and I am never going to have a good life. I can either stay in this angry mode or I can listen up to what God is wanting to show me. I am going to share my husbands journey and my journey and our children's journey. I want to be who I am for once in my life and stop being a hypocrite and living a lie. I want others to see there are others dealing with the exact same issues and how life is. Okay, self absorbed, I am truly just doing what I feel God wants me to do. So here we go.......