Update......

     So I couldn't write in my blog for a couple of days.  I don't want to write here just to be writing because I want the Lord to be in everything that I do and say.  I want my Father to receive all the honor and glory, so I had to sit back and just wait to hear from Him. 
    1st I will start with Kenneth and his update.  Today is the 4th day for his chemo.  At first he was getting headaches and the second day his vision was very blurry.  They originally thought it was due to his medicine he is taking to prevent him from seizuring and then they came back and said no it was possibly precursor to a seizure and to make sure his eyes didn't start going all over the place and finally they came back with the answer that I felt peace about.  The steroids he takes and along with being on a sugar water IV has caused his sugar to skyrocket.  Because his sugar does fluctuate in extreme numbers it caused his headaches and his vision issue, which I must praise the Lord in saying is sooooo much better.  They really crack me up here because they seem so surprised that Kenneth doesn't throw up or have any other side effects but in hindsight I suppose that is where our faith is different from a doctor's knowledge.  We know that God is a healer. 
    Okay so now to the nitty gritty (not sure this is legally a word or words) of what has been going on here the past couple of days.  This blog only exists because it is truly what i feel the Lord wants me to do.  I do not ever want to be in myself typing away and talking because that would not be for the Lord's glory.  I think this is my gift from the Lord, to be able to vent and to share and to show how He works. So honestly speaking I don't even really know where God is going to take this blog as I write it but I do know He is saying to write it. 
    So I keep saying I have felt completely alone and I have not said it to be dismissive of anyone at all.  However, the power of life and death lies in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). But where do those words come from that bring life or death, they come from our heart.  But why does our heart have so many mixed emotions, which I am going to call confusion?  I don't know how many times I have heard that the Lord is not the author of confusion but I never really understood that until now.  The verse says this, "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints." (1 Cor.14:33)  I am realizing that I am getting confused in my heart because I am allowing lies of the enemy to infiltrate my heart and push out all that the Lord is putting in.  I have always been a very emotional person.  From as far back as I could remember as a child, I cried over every little thing.  My feelings have always been easy to hurt and over the slightest of things.  As a child I wasn't allowed to express myself.  I wasn't allowed to cry because I was viewed as a baby or weak. Please understand this isn't to put anyone down because its hard to understand an overly emotional person when you aren't an emotional person yourself.  However, in saying this it doesn't make it right to make someone who is emotional to surpress what they are feeling because you can.  I learned to cry silently in my room or wait till everyone was in the bed so no one would see.  I would pull the covers over my head and cry.  I don't ever remember sleeping through and entire night and was always afraid to speak or even look at people sometimes because I didn't feel worthy enough.  I mean I was an emotional person which meant to others I was the weak one.  This has carried with me through out my entire life. I have always felt like this and therefore I have been this way with my husband and people who have loved me.   But.... it stops here.  It's a lie from the devil that because we cry we are weak.  It's a lie from the devil because we can't deal with the things the way others do that we are weak and not worthy.  God makes us all different, and we tend to look at these differences through our flesh and not our spiritual self.  God knew how He was making me.  He knew I would be emotional but that emotion can be used for His glory.  I have spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me because I am this way but it's just the opposite.  Gosh, what a revelation.  It's time for a purging.  I spend alot of time putting myself down.  I had a friend tell me recently that it's like I try to make people mad at me so that I don't have to have friends.  I told them I didn't believe that but you know the past two days I am  realizing wow, I do do that.  I push people away so that I don't have to feel pain.  I felt it all my life and I am not going to give the devil credit because he can't make us do anything.  If we do it, its because we choose to do it.  We choose to believe this lie or that lie or choose to read into other people's actions.  Yes, my name is Melissa Cook and I am an emotional person.  I am not unworthy of love, I am not weak but I am strong and loving and ready to receive the Love the Lord has been trying to give me all my life.  I don't want to sound like a broken record but my goodness, once again, I understand why God has told me to Stop, Rebuke and Pray.   Stop the lie, rebuke the lie, and pray.  Pray and purge your heart of anything that is not of God.  How do I know if it's from God or not?  Go to His word, better yet learn who He is.  Understand His love and what it's truly about.  I can assure you it's not confusing, it's not demeaning, it's not hurtful and it doesn't try to change who He created you to be in the first place.  It does however, purge out the things that are not part of who He has made us to be.  Are you feeling unloved?  That's not God.  Do you feel like you don't belong?  That's not God.  Do you feel like you can't cry?  That's not God.  Do you feel like something is wrong because you don't cry?  That's not God.  We are all different but we are all loved and created just for His purpose. 

Prayer:  My dearest Dad, I thank you for your walk.  I know that I cannot change myself but you can change me and help me to be who it is you called and created me for.  I ask that you be with all of us and help us to purge those things from our heart that cause confusion and hurtful feelings.  We know these things are not of You.  Please help us to be understanding of each other and know that we are compliments of one another.  Forgive me for pushing people who loved me away.  For making them feel like they are unworthy of love.  We all serve the purpose of bringing You glory.  What an honor my heavenly Father that you love me despite my weaknesses and understand me and know exactly how to cleanse me.  You knew the moment I was born what trials would encompass me but you also knew that I would be here at this very moment seeking you and loving you even more.  I thank you that you will continue to walk with me as I give you all that I have to purge out these lies that have been planted deep within me.  Thank you for your deliverance and for your greatness.  Thank you for being there, ALWAYS...... I love you!