Long Time

Well, I wanted to open myself up and get things out verses holding them in. A lot has happened in the past 5 years. But my focus is mainly on my life right now. First off, I have failed God many many many times in the past. But I want my life back. I have been begging God to show up and He has been right here. He knows I express myself through writing. Not good at spelling or grammar most of the time but yet its how I am able to work through things going on. Let me start off by just being honest about me. Yes, I have been going to church for the past 23 years of my life. I backslid several times but always find my way back to God. Thank You Lord for Your Grace and Mercy and Your LOVE for me. I have dealt with depression my entire life. I can remember being 5 and wanting to kill myself. I was diagnosed by an official doctor when I was 13. It was at that point I was placed on antidepressants and nerve pills. My family couldn't afford to keep me on the medicine so needless to say I was in my 20's before I was ever able to get back on them again. I have spent the past 15 years of my life going back and forth on them. One reason I have questioned whether I am allowing God to work a miracle in me by taking them. So, I have had many issues between suicidal thoughts to obsessive over friends and issues in my life. Friends left me and I understand why. God never did. Now to the nitty gritty of my issues. I am a control freak. I have put such an emphasis on what others think about me and gaining acceptance that I lost focus of the things that mattered. I have never been one to have friends or deeper issue at hand is I don't trust. I am a very angry and bitter person. I don't forgive and have therefore been a hypocrite. Now most would be like wow in a depressive mood, are ya? No, God has brought me along way. On my March 25th of this year, my husband who I love very much was diagnosed with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia. To top all of this off, he was further diagnosed with a gene mutation called Flt3 which does not respond to chemo as far as a cure.  We have truly been stripped of everything we knew about our lives. I have lost all control of my life and my families life.  I have despised this road. I have become a very bitter and mean human being. I have been mad at God and friends and just life. For someone who is not on antidepressants its been the worst walk of my life. Until recently. Life is not miracuously grand and all is fixed in my world but I have been in deep prayer and reflection. I want to share these reflections in a completely raw and honest way. I am not going to allow the devil a stronghold on my life and my families life, which is what I have been doing. I have blamed people that didn't deserve to be blamed and talked about people out of anger and frankly I have been the one in the wrong. I allowed anger into my life because I couldn't control it anymore. Thing is God needs me to trust. Something I have never done, with anyone. Until I can trust Him I can't trust life and people and I am never going to have a good life. I can either stay in this angry mode or I can listen up to what God is wanting to show me. I am going to share my husbands journey and my journey and our children's journey. I want to be who I am for once in my life and stop being a hypocrite and living a lie. I want others to see there are others dealing with the exact same issues and how life is. Okay, self absorbed, I am truly just doing what I feel God wants me to do. So here we go.......