This came from Proverbs 31......

September 30, 2011

Why Am I in Such a Hurry?
Lynn Cowell

“This is how the lampstand was made: It was made of hammered gold—from its base to its blossoms. The lampstand was made exactly like the pattern the LORD had shown Moses.” Numbers 8:4 (NIV)

During the thirty-minute drive downtown, I felt nothing but irritation. Who has time for driving school? Yes, I had received two tickets in the past three years, but I was going to change. Slowing down was on my agenda!
As soon as I found a seat, my computer-like brain turned on, allowing me to multi-task while sitting in the tiny classroom. Three “mental windows” were running: my to-do list for the day; my to-do list for the upcoming holiday; and my to-do list for a home project.
Honestly, that class could not end fast enough. Finally, when I was free to leave, I rushed out of the building. Looking down at my watch, I realized I had one hour to run to the carpet store, pick out the right color and get to the bus stop before my kids did. The store was almost 30 minutes away, but I knew I could do it.
I found the perfect color carpet and was on my way home in no time. Threw the car into reverse and…BOOM! Looking in my rearview mirror, I discovered my bumper curved around a 15-foot cement store sign. All I could do was lay my head on my steering wheel and cry, “Lord, this can’t be the way You want my days to go!”
I was exhausted from the mental and physical pace I’d set for myself. I knew God had a better plan. Around that same time I was reading in Numbers 8:4, and was amazed at how God took time to attend to the details of a simple lampstand. The Bible tells us it was created out of gold with blossoms at the top. God wasn’t just concerned about the function of the lampstand but also its beauty.
I knew then that if God cared about these types of details, He cared about the details of my life, too. I also realized I needed to slow down enough to seek His plans for my days, instead of cramming them with everything on my own hurried agenda.
I decided that each morning I would start praying through my schedule. Sometimes He’d show me I had too much I was trying to accomplish in too little time. Other days He’d show me I needed to say “no” to some things so I could enjoy what He had called me to say “yes” to, instead of just flying through it.
Perhaps you too are caught in the frenzy of trying to get everything done. Do you ever lay awake at night wondering if you’ll finish the tasks on your list? I want to encourage you to try something that has helped me. Tomorrow, before your feet hit the ground, tell the Lord: “This is Your day, not mine. Whatever You want me to do, I will do. Whatever You don’t want me to do, I won’t.”
Throughout the day, as your desire to get more done in less time moves in, and stress tries to take over, repeat your prayer. Soon you’ll discover that handing the details of your day over to God will lead you out of chaos and into His plans for peace and purpose in your life!
By no means is my life perfect now, but most of my days are surrendered to the Lord’s plans rather than the busyness of my own. And, I’m learning more and more how to live according to God’s beautiful timing and pattern for my life each day.

Dear Lord, every day there seems to be so much that has to get done and so little time. I know that living life stressed and frustrated is not what You created me for. Please help me each day to only do what You want me to do and not try to do more. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

New Walk.......

I hadn't posted in a month because I was working on how vines work and how they relate to different fears.  How you can be standing there and slowly the vine grows up out of the ground wrapping itself around your legs and moving up till it has consumed your entire being.  Each leaf is a fear that feeds off the next and so on and so on.  But ...... God is about clipping vines.  He is doing away with all sorts of stuff in my life.  The things being removed have been very hard because its been people I love very much and even some things such as certain works I had been doing for Him.  Accepting change in my life has never been something I have just been able to accept but I am learning to follow my favorite verse which is Proverbs 3:5,6, Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not upon your OWN understandings.  In ALL my ways acknowledge HIM and HE WILL DIRECT MY PATHS.  Sometimes, we have to learn to accept God's ways.  The road of life is not easy but with God it is filled with love, peace, joy, long suffering and all the things that make up our Beautiful Heavenly Father.  We can't close our eyes and expect to open them to everything perfect.  We have to strive for the Lord.  We have to push through the difficult times even when we feel we can't go another step or can't take another breath. In the Experiencing God study which I am so very blessed by, it tells us that God wants a love relationship with us.  That we come to a point of a "Crisis of Belief" and we have to be prepared to move for God.  I have been asking the Lord, what do you want, what am I suppose to be doing and then getting upset because I thought He wasn't answering me but the truth was I wasn't willing to move.  I haven't been willing to make adjustments to my life because I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let go of people and I didn't want to let go of certain things that God needed me to let go.  It's one of the hardest things I think to love people and to love certain things of God but to have to let go.  If you don't know what it is, He shows us.  We have to open our eyes up and see what is going on around us.  Letting go doesn't mean you can't still love whatever it is but it does mean that if you don't do what is being asked of you by God you could be holding that person up or that ministry up and even yourself up because God has a work for us all.  True love is coming to that crossroads with the Lord and saying ok God, I will go.  YES LORD, I will, even if its the hardest thing in the world to do.  People and things come and go but the Lord is always there!!!!  So.... I am saying YES LORD!!!  I will go and do whatever it is that I know the Lord is wanting!!  I only want to please Him, not man! My prayer is this:  Dear Father, you are my deliverer and my help!  You have brought me from the depths of despair and loved me beyond comprehension.  My Father, I want that Love relationship with You, that You are wanting with me.  I ask that You help me in this new walk as I do the things You are asking of me and I ask that You help others as well as You are molding them.   I ask that You forgive me when I have failed You.  Help me to be strong in You!  Help me to treat everyone with love and that any hindering spirits lingering within me be banished in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ.  They will not have dominion over me or my family.  Father I ask that I be filled with Your love and that I share that Love with others.  The spirit of depression and rejection shall have no part in my life, in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ.  Father I ask that everyone be lifted up high and that they achieve all greatness for Your Glory.  Let us not be stumbling blocks but let us all be helpmates to whatever You need.  I lift up those who do not know You and thank You that laborers will be sent to them so that they will come to know Your love and Your salvation and freedom of sin.  Let us be humble and do all things for Your Glory my dear Father.  I love You always!  Melissa

Fear of the wrong step can stop us from taking any step at all........

Ok so a dear friend told me about this book by Stormie Omartian.  It is called, "Just Enough Light For the Step I'm On."   Can I say WOW and WOW again.  I haven't even gotten through the first paragraph and God is speaking to me.  What a revelation that, "we will never know the joy of true freedom until we understand we cannot take a single step without His help."  Ok so my issue has been my need to control.  It's odd to me that I know in my heart it is my issue, controlling.  But I haven't been able to truly understand why if i know this I haven't made progress in letting go and letting God.  Until now...."Fear of the wrong step can stop us taking any step at all."   Fear is so much deeper then just the word fear itself.  I have been so afraid of so many things that I think I can control the outcomes.  My dad passed when I was 7 and I am realizing the torture I have placed upon myself and my entire life because my prayer has always been, "do not allow me to experience that again."  You put yourself in a position that every decision you make is wrapped around that one fear, of not wanting to experience that again.  That fear grows like a vine around your heart, each leaf with its own new fear that continues to grow.  Fear of making the wrong step, as if I was the cause of my dad's death, that I could have prevented it, has molded my life.  It has kept me from becoming what the Lord has planned for me.  The other night someone said to me, "No more writing in sorrow but write the words God has placed on my heart, words of hope and love."  God is so amazing.  One paragraph of a book that someone has recommended I read has been so profound.  I cannot wait to read the rest of this book.  I recommend it highly.  Fear cannot be the reason we do things or the how we do things.  God needs to be that reason.  My title should not be the above it really should be "Living Our Life With the Love of God can take us to great places."  The Spirit of the Lord has placed on my heart to trace my fears like the vine I mentioned, to find that root and get rid of it.  I will do so and post it here on my blog in the next few days as I pray about it and search only with Him.  My prayer is for my life to be God's will.  I pray that for everyone, when fear of making the wrong step stops us from moving completely that we can see it for what it is.  That we can stop, rebuke and pray, knowing that the Lord is always there waiting for us to take His Hand. 

New Opportunities......

Every moment we have is a new opportunity to do something great for the Lord.  So many times I have sat back and let those moments just pass me by thinking that I will have that opportunity again.  The thing is its not about getting the opportunity again.  It's about learning to look past whatever the excuse is of not doing and just go for it.  My weight.....gosh how I can't stand being overweight.  It effects every bit of my being.   I don't take pictures because I don't like seeing what I have become.  I sit and I watch my husband and I am just in awe at how strong of a man he is and not just in the physical sense but in his love for the Lord.  The integrity that he has is beyond words.  I am blessed by God that he is in my life.  After the past few months of his sickness and the things we are still dealing with but overcoming, I have learned more then ever the meaning of new opportunities.  I don't want to waste moments out of laziness or out of fear of failure or whatever the excuses may be because God is truly all encompassing.  He gives me just what I need to overcome whatever comes my way.  He has been showing my family that since March 25th of this year.  Life is gonna be hard but life is beautiful.  The lessons we learn help to make us who we are.  I am an over comer because the Lord says I am.  My faith and hope is in Him.  So all these excuses really need to be gone.  He gives me exactly what I need to conquer whatever it is.  When I don't think I am loved, all I need to do is look around me.  His presence is there waiting for me to take His hand and walk through my trails.  I told someone today I am a major control freak.  Even in all this we have had experiences I have tried to control down to the smallest of details.  Every single time I have done that, something happens and I hear deep in my heart, "Let go and give it to me!"  You would think that after the thousandth time I would have listened and let go.  With me, I am seeing that trying to be in control of things in life only brings fears, sadness, and a very huge sense of failure.  God doesn't want me to control, He loves me enough to say, "Let Me!"   I truly with all my heart want to let Him.  My weight, is a product of my needing to control.  I felt like I needed to control my entire life from the time I was 7.  Every time I failed, I was reminded of it and being a child and now an adult I strive, I control so much just to do everything perfect.  NEWSFLASH TO ME.....I am so not perfect. I haven't been able to accept my failures and move on from them.  I have held them close to me and all the time God was saying "Let Me!"  God has revealed to me that every time I try to control whatever it is that is going on, I am setting myself up for that same failure.  I am bringing on more and more stress and drowning my pain and fears out with whatever I can.  NO MORE!!  God knew me before I was born and this is not what He planned for me!  I am going to do my very very best to release control and "Let Him."  The wonderful part about God's love is that He hasn't left me because I failed so many times but He has embraced me even more.  Helping me along the way to this very moment to see things when I was ready to see them, gentle, nuturing and loving is what He is!!  I can do all things with God, losing my weight is one of them.  My husband is gaining ground now and his white blood cells that were over 30,000 on March 25th are now 4,000 and staying there.  He is still getting over some humps but nothing that God doesn't have under control.  How funny, God's control!!!  As I lay here to go to sleep, I pray that the Lord helps me to always see His way and not mine.  That I can be obedient no matter how hard the situation is and just let Him do what He has willed.  That I will not find comfort in being in control because in the end that disappears and the false sense of comfort that was brought brings things not of God.  That in being obedient and following Him, I will lose my weight and the new moments, the new opportunities He has for me I will take for His glory!   I thank the Lord for all He does.  I thank Him for His love for me and for everyone and for new opportunities! 

The Hardest Parts of Life Make Us Stronger......

The past week has been really tough.  I miss having my husband home.  Just typing it makes me want to cry.  I haven't been able to sleep all week, so I am very very tired.  I can't remember ever being so worn out.  I do believe this week has been the hardest period of this whole walk with Acute Myeloid Leukemia.  My precious husband has hit a spot where he has been sick and very tired.  Every night I have to leave him to come home really makes it harder.  All I can do is cry all the way home.  His mouth is severely sore with blisters and so forth from the chemo. His body is weak from no blood and platelets and he is in pain.  He is pale with no colors in his lips and all I can do is just sit and watch.  He has constant severe headaches from the anti rejection medicine.  I can't help him and I can't take away his pain.  So I just lay in the bed next to him, praying over him and rubbing his head because it helps him sleep.  It is one of those moments that I want to just belt out crying like never before but I can't do that because I have to stay strong for our children.  I am counting down the days till his brothers cells begin to take root in his body.  Today is day 9.  We were told it would take 10 to 16 days to see what they are doing.  I am believing with all of me that they will begin to see them taking root.  We received a call earlier in the week from a dear dear friend who was telling us of a vision that was received about Kenneth.  This guy who he knows and cares for dearly said he saw white stars all around Kenneth coming from his body.  All of this symbolizing purity. 
Webster Definition :

1. the quality or state of being pure

2. saturation

God's love is pure and I know that He is encompassing every single one of us with that love.  He is making that which was not pure, pure!  I have questioned this walk from the beginning of why it has to be so hard and why everything around us is changing and disappearing.  I mean, I am not talking just one thing, I am talking every single thing in our lives is changing.  I have to say there is no real answer that I can personally give to this.  Only God can answer it and I have to trust God, which I do, that He is there.  I have learned so many things about myself that I don't think I would have learned otherwise because I was soooo involved in myself and my issues.  Issues that to be honest, are such a waste of time when it comes to my walk with God.  They have only served as distractions that have kept me from growing the way God wanted.  I am stronger and will be stronger when this is all over.  My husband as weak as he is at this very moment will be made whole and new and stronger then ever.  My children, all I can say is WOW!  They may have grew up a little bit more then I would have liked in the past few months but their knowledge and wisdom that is only a gift from God has grew in ways I would have ever imagined.  There is going to be that day when this walk is going to be much clearer.  When my husband will be fulfilling his calling upon his life and with a greater love and greater wisdom and knowledge then he ever had.  Until then, I am moving onward, knowing that God is wiping away our tears, and God is delivering us of our fears and one day because of this walk, we will be made stronger and because of that, so will others for His glory. 

3:06am....

So I can't sleep.  I have my babies back home now and I am happy about it but at the same time I am so sad that I am not with my husband who has been sick today.  It's very hard to be in every place you feel like you are suppose to be.  I don't know why it is like that for me.   I look at some people and they are just so matter of fact and know that they know where they are suppose to be and just do it but I am always feeling overwhelmed wondering where am I suppose to be.  My husband needs me, my children need me, life needs me.  I was laying in the bed a few ago talking with God and just thinking and seriously it was like my head was spinning.  I literally felt dizzy and sick to my stomach like i was on one of those super fast spinning rides.  So, I am up now.  NOW WHAT.......  God brought to my heart the statement, " I am made an over comer by the word."  Also, its one of those stop, rebuke and pray moments.  I have alot of those.

The positive of my evening.... we received a call of a vision that was seen about my hubby and it was very uplifting and inspiring.  It brought a spark of light in my husbands eyes tonight.  I praise God for those moments.  I mean my husband is always very positive for so many others but I can see when he is tired.  It really lifted him up to have another confirmation from the Lord of his healing.  Today was a hard day for him and so it truly was a blessing.  Praise God for His word. 

So now its 3:20am, sorry if this blog doesn't make alot of sense but I so love that the Lord has gave me this blog as a gift as in my way of releasing, no my way of stopping, rebuking and praying, hahaha.  I love you Lord.

God's gifting.....

Life is defined in the Webster as spiritual existence transcending physical death.  This is the one definition that stands out the most to me at this very moment.   

Love is defined in the Webster as an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others.  

Life can change in the blink of an eye, literally!!  November 25, 1995 I met the love of my life.  We were married in March of 1997 and had our first beautiful daughter in September of that year.  In December 2000 we had our next beautiful baby girl and in March of 2002 we completed our family with the birth of our handsome son.  Off and on for many years I missed seeing the miracle of life because I had a closed mind of thinking of life in the natural.  I remember when all three of my babies were born I just felt this wonderful feeling of God and how great He really was.  I thought when my son was born and to be honest, my hubby was done, I would never ever experience that again.  How so terribly wrong have I been.  One of the biggest things that Kenneth and I have talked about so many times is how we have had this world perspective.  We measure our value by what we see around us.  We see things one-sided, meaning, the miracle of life isn't in the birth of God's children only but the miracle of life really lies in God's love.  God's love isn't wrapped up one way and we don't get it in just one way.  God isn't a one way street that dead ends.  His love is never ending and life is just one form of that and life itself with God is not a dead end.  

Love today for us came in so many forms.  It started with my husband's brother showing up this morning and laying in a bed for over 6 hours giving of himself and not just physically but spiritually because of love.  It showed up with all the prayers of people we know and those we don't know that took time out of their day to bring us comfort.  Love showed up today in a cake that read "Happy New Birthday Ken"!  Love showed up in the eyes of my husbands parents as they stood by both their sons.  Love showed up today in those who came to be here with us when they could have been in other places.  Love showed up in a nurse who was with us the very night we found out Kenneth had cancer and made sure she was with us tonight to pray before the transplant started.  Love was in watching the very last drop of stem cell enter my husband and feeling that same feeling i felt the day my children were born.  God's gifting is life made by love.  The miracle of life can be seen in so many things because where there is life there is love!  Where there is love, there is God!!!  God has never left us and never will.  We celebrated the miracle of a new life tonight, that happened because of love.  Love that only God gives!!!  

On August 3rd from 7pm till 8:42pm, a healed and now healthy man was born.  His parents named him Kenneth Wayne Cook 40 years ago!! Praise to the Lord!! 

Praising the Lord....

Somewhere between noon and 6pm, Kenneth will be celebrating his new birthday thanks to his brothers love.  I know I hadn't posted the past couple of days but we have been in deep discussion about our life and in prayer about the new life we know that the Lord is providing.   This walk has not been the best walk if you look at it with world eyes but I have to say that I have learned so much.  Spiritually speaking, it has been the best walk.  God has opened our eyes and changed our hearts for the better. I praise you Lord for all you have done and will do.  I praise you for your healing and for walking us through this trial.  We don't know what the future holds but we do know that you will be there with us.  I love you so very much and I pray for all those who have helped us through this time.  I ask that you bless them for all their kindness and for especially their love.  We thank you for your love. 


Psalm 36:5 -7
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.”

Update......

     So I couldn't write in my blog for a couple of days.  I don't want to write here just to be writing because I want the Lord to be in everything that I do and say.  I want my Father to receive all the honor and glory, so I had to sit back and just wait to hear from Him. 
    1st I will start with Kenneth and his update.  Today is the 4th day for his chemo.  At first he was getting headaches and the second day his vision was very blurry.  They originally thought it was due to his medicine he is taking to prevent him from seizuring and then they came back and said no it was possibly precursor to a seizure and to make sure his eyes didn't start going all over the place and finally they came back with the answer that I felt peace about.  The steroids he takes and along with being on a sugar water IV has caused his sugar to skyrocket.  Because his sugar does fluctuate in extreme numbers it caused his headaches and his vision issue, which I must praise the Lord in saying is sooooo much better.  They really crack me up here because they seem so surprised that Kenneth doesn't throw up or have any other side effects but in hindsight I suppose that is where our faith is different from a doctor's knowledge.  We know that God is a healer. 
    Okay so now to the nitty gritty (not sure this is legally a word or words) of what has been going on here the past couple of days.  This blog only exists because it is truly what i feel the Lord wants me to do.  I do not ever want to be in myself typing away and talking because that would not be for the Lord's glory.  I think this is my gift from the Lord, to be able to vent and to share and to show how He works. So honestly speaking I don't even really know where God is going to take this blog as I write it but I do know He is saying to write it. 
    So I keep saying I have felt completely alone and I have not said it to be dismissive of anyone at all.  However, the power of life and death lies in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). But where do those words come from that bring life or death, they come from our heart.  But why does our heart have so many mixed emotions, which I am going to call confusion?  I don't know how many times I have heard that the Lord is not the author of confusion but I never really understood that until now.  The verse says this, "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints." (1 Cor.14:33)  I am realizing that I am getting confused in my heart because I am allowing lies of the enemy to infiltrate my heart and push out all that the Lord is putting in.  I have always been a very emotional person.  From as far back as I could remember as a child, I cried over every little thing.  My feelings have always been easy to hurt and over the slightest of things.  As a child I wasn't allowed to express myself.  I wasn't allowed to cry because I was viewed as a baby or weak. Please understand this isn't to put anyone down because its hard to understand an overly emotional person when you aren't an emotional person yourself.  However, in saying this it doesn't make it right to make someone who is emotional to surpress what they are feeling because you can.  I learned to cry silently in my room or wait till everyone was in the bed so no one would see.  I would pull the covers over my head and cry.  I don't ever remember sleeping through and entire night and was always afraid to speak or even look at people sometimes because I didn't feel worthy enough.  I mean I was an emotional person which meant to others I was the weak one.  This has carried with me through out my entire life. I have always felt like this and therefore I have been this way with my husband and people who have loved me.   But.... it stops here.  It's a lie from the devil that because we cry we are weak.  It's a lie from the devil because we can't deal with the things the way others do that we are weak and not worthy.  God makes us all different, and we tend to look at these differences through our flesh and not our spiritual self.  God knew how He was making me.  He knew I would be emotional but that emotion can be used for His glory.  I have spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me because I am this way but it's just the opposite.  Gosh, what a revelation.  It's time for a purging.  I spend alot of time putting myself down.  I had a friend tell me recently that it's like I try to make people mad at me so that I don't have to have friends.  I told them I didn't believe that but you know the past two days I am  realizing wow, I do do that.  I push people away so that I don't have to feel pain.  I felt it all my life and I am not going to give the devil credit because he can't make us do anything.  If we do it, its because we choose to do it.  We choose to believe this lie or that lie or choose to read into other people's actions.  Yes, my name is Melissa Cook and I am an emotional person.  I am not unworthy of love, I am not weak but I am strong and loving and ready to receive the Love the Lord has been trying to give me all my life.  I don't want to sound like a broken record but my goodness, once again, I understand why God has told me to Stop, Rebuke and Pray.   Stop the lie, rebuke the lie, and pray.  Pray and purge your heart of anything that is not of God.  How do I know if it's from God or not?  Go to His word, better yet learn who He is.  Understand His love and what it's truly about.  I can assure you it's not confusing, it's not demeaning, it's not hurtful and it doesn't try to change who He created you to be in the first place.  It does however, purge out the things that are not part of who He has made us to be.  Are you feeling unloved?  That's not God.  Do you feel like you don't belong?  That's not God.  Do you feel like you can't cry?  That's not God.  Do you feel like something is wrong because you don't cry?  That's not God.  We are all different but we are all loved and created just for His purpose. 

Prayer:  My dearest Dad, I thank you for your walk.  I know that I cannot change myself but you can change me and help me to be who it is you called and created me for.  I ask that you be with all of us and help us to purge those things from our heart that cause confusion and hurtful feelings.  We know these things are not of You.  Please help us to be understanding of each other and know that we are compliments of one another.  Forgive me for pushing people who loved me away.  For making them feel like they are unworthy of love.  We all serve the purpose of bringing You glory.  What an honor my heavenly Father that you love me despite my weaknesses and understand me and know exactly how to cleanse me.  You knew the moment I was born what trials would encompass me but you also knew that I would be here at this very moment seeking you and loving you even more.  I thank you that you will continue to walk with me as I give you all that I have to purge out these lies that have been planted deep within me.  Thank you for your deliverance and for your greatness.  Thank you for being there, ALWAYS...... I love you!

My Natural versus My Spiritual!!!!!!!!

      Kenneth just took his first 10 pills of Busulfan. I got up this morning and played worship music in this room and I have been praying.  At the exact same time of him taking his pills I am looking out the window and the sky is lit up orange in the distance. A new beginning for a new day!!
     Kenneth and I have both been talking and learning that if you step back for just a moment and make a true effort to see what is going on you will see it for what it is in the spiritual.  Example for me there are and have been many times I deal with feeling like I have no one and in the flesh that may be so because of work or business of life or even just a new season and it's not time for me to have someone there but in the flesh it feels horrible and lonely and you begin creating these scenarios that really serve no purpose but to make you feel horrible.  It's a snowball effect, in the flesh, the reason why they are not there gets bigger and bigger and bigger until you truly have yourself convinced that you just aren't loved and you cry and your stomach is upset.  However, in the spiritual, you know that God's word says,

¹⁵ “If you love Me, keep^[d] My commandments. ¹⁶ And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. ¹⁸ I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. (John 14)

     I am so thankful to the Lord because I am watching my husband start his new life and I am blessed that I get to be a part of it.  I don't mean a new life in the flesh, even though we are believing he is healed but a new life in the spiritual.  He is a new creature in Christ.  Many people are and will be new creatures in Christ.  We go through trials in this life and in the flesh they hurt sometimes tremendously but our spiritual side is being molded for God's use.  Yes, we may feel alone but we are truly not alone.  I am learning with the Lord, that things happen but don't let yourself, that flesh to formulate what is going on because it will lie to you.  It's how the enemy works but allow the spirit within you to show you a different side, a side of hope and love.  With me, this is where I am learning to use the Stop, Rebuke and Pray.   If something comes to me or happens to me that really just begins to tear me up, whether it be about a person or an event.  I stop immediately, I remember God's word to me, and I rebuke the lie of the enemy.  I call it out for what it is, whether it be loneliness or fear.  Then I pray if it involves an individual, I pray for them because I want them to be blessed and uplifted and I want them to feel God's love, if its the situation I let go of it.  Don't forget to Stop.... Rebuke..... and Pray.   I cannot CONTROL life nor does God want me to.  That is where the peace that surpasses all understanding comes from.  God is the guide we just have to let Him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is there to take that stress away, that fear away.  I love you my dear Father.

Hillsong - You Are My Strength w/ lyrics

So far today!!

Well we have arrived at the "Hotel Markey" as my hubby likes to refer to it.  He is currently having a Lumbar Puncture done.  One reason is to draw spinal fluid to make sure there is no cancer in his spine or in his brain.  Second reason is to insert his first round of chemo directly into that area.  He was so dreading it and I was dreading it for him.  It's odd because he is grown man but my heart aches for him just like it does when my babies have something done that hurts or when they were little and got shots and you had to hold them down.  So I am sitting here in the corner typing so that I don't cry and praying for him at the same time.  We have seen all his doctors today and they have told us this last round (notice I am saying LAST) round of chemo will be the harshest he has received.  He will receive Busulfan every 6 hours from Tomorrow, Wednesday till Saturday.  Then Sunday and Monday he will receive Cylcophosphamide for two days straight.  Then on Tuesday, August 2nd, he will receive Tacrolimus for 24hrs.  This particular drug is not chemo but is a medication they use to people who will be receiving a transplant of any form to help prevent rejection.  Then Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011 is transplant day.  So we are believing he is healed but also understand that we have this walk to take to get there.  The things God has showed us in the walk and the lessons we have learned has helped us to become closer to the Lord.  We are truly blessed even in the middle of all this and yes times have and are rough but I love the Lord so much and all we want is for His Glory to shine!!!

Switchfoot - Your Love Is A Song Lyrics :)

Stop... Rebuke.... Pray!!!

I have been having attacks one after the other but don't we all.  It just really makes you feel weak when you fail the attacks.  God has given me the power to over come the devil and his antics.  Like I said I have not been doing so great over the past few months.  I mean I have felt like everyone was against me, even if they weren't.  I have allowed negativity to effect my walk with God and the walk He had in place for me.  But God gave me something recently, I was sitting here praying and boo hooing and all that stuff and I asked God how do I over come?  I mean you tell me I am made and over comer by the word but how do I actually become and effective over comer.  All I heard for a moment was Stop... Drop.... & Roll.  Now I know they still teach this in schools and its one of those things that will forever be stuck in my mind.   So God gives this to me and I sat there for a moment going okay, how am I am over comer by that?  At that moment the words Stop, rebuke and pray came to me and then instantly my spirit was lining up with what God was telling me. In the flesh if we are on fire and we don't stop drop and roll we will burn up and die.  It's exactly the same thing in the spiritual.  If I decide to let the devil start fires in me that burn down my esteem, my thoughts, God's truth, my love and so on, then I die.  The depression, is a fire in me that I need to stop, rebuke, and pray.  My fear of death, stop, rebuke and pray.  The fire is put out.  Just like in the flesh, I need to be doing things that keep the fire out.  I need to be in God's word, I need to strive to make Him the center of my life and not be distracted by things I use to cover up my feelings.  I will not retreat, I will fight the front line of this battle.  That song they sing at church, We are made for battle!!  I am made for Battle Lord.  I will and do stop, rebuke and pray several several times a day but I am an over comer. Praise to the Lord, ALWAYS!

Prayer:  Dear Lord, I thank you for your direction.  I thank you that you are working within me and my family.  I praise your name for bringing me peace.  For carrying me and my family during this time.  For the start of a new life tomorrow.  For my husbands healing.  For molding me in your hands and not dropping me.  My dearest dad, I thank you for lifting up all those we know.  For your protection around them.  For them being a part of our lives no matter the extent.  For the blessings that you have and will continue to bestow up everyone.  I praise you and honor you always my precious Father.  I love you with all of me and thank you for teaching me to accept that love. Amen!

I have given you power over all of satans power, no one will harm you!!!!

I am really trying to be strong today and will need to be tomorrow.  I have to leave my babies for a while.  I hate that our family has to be so separated.  All I want to do is cry but I hold it in.  I have never ever liked not being with them but I know in the end we are going to be a stronger family.  Sometimes, I just want to scream.  It's one of those times I feel my depression hitting me.  Today when I got up my daily verse on my phone was the one above and I thought you know what that is soooo true and I felt wonderful.  My husband and I had a date today which was really nice.  But then I got home and my babies were making me notes and signs and so forth and it makes me really sad.  God help me to get through this.  Help me to be strong for my husband who needs me.  Help me to be strong for my kids.  Thank you for your hedge of protection around them. I ask that you bless all those that we know and don't know. Bless everyone and help us all to walk in Your Will.   Help me to have all Your peace in my heart.  I thank you Daddy God that you are purging fear from my heart as we speak.  I am a mighty woman of Yours and my family, we are all walking in Your Healing Hand.  

The Count Down.....

Well today starts the countdown to the transplant.  Kenneth wants to go spend some time with his parents and we are dropping the kids off with them.  Then sometime next week I believe my Sister is getting them.  Then around the 10th my mom is coming.  Kenneth goes in Tuesday and begins his 7 days of chemo.  It's suppose to be the harshest ever, it is to permanently shut his system down forever.  Then on August 3rd, they are suppose to insert his brothers stem cells.  So with this and having to leave my kids 3 hours away from me, its a tad stressful.  I know God is with us so that gives me peace.  My husband is walking in his healing and my children are protected by the hand of God.  I will update often. 

A Prayer From a Dear Friend....

A dear friend of mine sent this to me this evening.  It's so very fitting for my day.  I think my biggest issue is that with the cancer, my life, my friends everything has changed so much.  It's hard to let go of things and people that God is moving out because you do love them so very much.  However, in order for them to grow in God and for God's will to be done, I have to lean on God to get me through this change in my life and cry to Him.  Lord knows how much my heart is sadden but like my baby girl said tonight, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it!" 

The Prayer From My Friend. ( May you lift all in my life up Lord and may their blessings overflow.  May they always feel your peace and glory around them, if even in the sunrise and sunset.  I love you Lord and I thank YOU!)

"Father, in the name of Jesus, I come before You, confessing my need for You, and crying out to you from the bottom of my heart. Lord, You've said that you are near to those whose hearts are breaking and that you give grace to the humble. I humble myself before you now...I cast down any pride or self-justification that I would hide behind, and I present myself to you as I truly am--weak and helpless and despairing of my very life. I know there is no other Rock but You, and I turn to You with all of my heart. Father, please forgive my sin! I open myself up to receive Your cleansing, Your healing, Your forgiveness, and Your faith, hope and love into my being. I receive your love as a river, washing over the dry wasteland of my emotions. I see that in Your river there is life, and that every place your river touches in me is revived. I cast all my cares, my sorrows, my disappointments into that river and I let the current of Your spirit carry them far away. I believe You, when You say that You think good thoughts about me, and that Your plans are to give me a future and a hope. I believe You when You say that You knew who I was even before my mother conceived me--and that You wanted me to be alive on the earth right now. Thank you for giving me life! Thank you for working all things in my life for good! Thank you that I can call on your Name and You will be near me. Thank you for bearing all my weaknesses and diseases on the cross, and healing me, spirit, soul and body."

One of those days!!!

Need prayer!!  I got up this morning and I rebuked the devil and his attacks and prayed over my children and my husband and felt wonderful.  Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't have one single day without something going on.  Life is changing so fast I can't breath sometimes but I won't be beaten down.  I will continue to walk with the Lord no matter how hard this gets some days and it is one of those days.  Will post a little more later.

Prayer:  Lord help me to have your peace.  Forgive me where I have failed you and help me to have a heart that is filled with your love no matter what may come my way. 

Here We Go......

Ok in approximately 45 minutes I am leaving to go climb a mountain/knob of a mountain.  No matter the size of this it kicks my butt.  I am going with some great gals from church.  These girls are all beautiful and I am huge in size compared to them.  They have been inviting me for over a week now and I didn't want to go because I am sooooooooo insecure over my weight, but its time to kick this butt of mine into shape.  So here goes the confession.  I am 5'6 and I weigh 261 as of today.  I am double what my natural weight should be and my bmi is in the extremely obese meaning I am just plain fat.  So I will climb this mountain with my friends and see if i can make it to my car.  hahahah. 

Prayer:  Dear Lord, Thank you for being with me.  Thank you for helping me to stop and pray and rebuke any negativity in my life.  Help me to be who it is you wish me to be.  Help me to accept that changes that come with being that person.  Fill me with your love and let that ooze from me for all others around.  And Dear Lord, help me up this mountain!!!!  Both Physically and Mentally.

On My Mind!!!!

I mentioned this before but on March 25th, 2011 around 2pm my husband was given the diagnosis of Leukemia.  He went into the doctor for what he thought was a sinus infection.  His lymphnodes in his neck had been swollen and for the first time he went on his own.  I didn't have a clue he was going, which to me is a huge thank you to the Lord because it just isn't something my love would do.  By 3:30pm we were at the Markey Cancer Center.  The only way I can describe that moment is if I were standing still in the center of a room and the room was spinning 1000 miles per minute around me and all I can see are glimpses of our life.  I have to say it has been extremely hard.  I was on my antidepressants but with taking care of my husband and now our entire way of life I quit taking them.  I just didn't have time.  I have had emotions all over the board.  No doubt because I stopped taking my medicine cold turkey.  I have felt so alone.  I have battled between am I really alone or is it me and my brain.  It's funny when you are watching someone you love and someone you thought you would grow old with go thru so much, it hard to think clearly.  You go from being from you just know that you know they are healed to what if they die?  How can I have my life without my husband?  The pain is sometimes just so unbearable.  You start trying to research everything you can to see if you are using the best methods and how you can fast and pray till God personally comes down and tells you , "its okay, they are healed!"  You watch your children try to adjust to their new life and silently read their journals after you have prayed over them at night and see they too are praying "Dear God, don't let my daddy die!"  Our walk with God has sustained us but it is in times like this that you really have to decide which road you are going to take.  I mean, do you decide to continuously live in this life of what ifs, becoming someone you barely know, pushing friends away and using religion as mask or do you truly decide to trust God and just be honest with yourself and say, I am not okay with this but with Daddy God we are going to be okay.  I have truly spent the last few months with knots in my stomach from allowing fear to grip my life, pushing friends away and hiding.  Trying to avoid the facts and live on maybes.  God's word is the truth.  This verse was brought to my attention recently,

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b?

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6.  It's truly a time of growth.  Yes the circumstances that are bringing about this growth are less then ideal but nevertheless it's an opportunity for me and my family to truly learn to Trust the Lord.  To learn to not control life because I tell you, you truly don't have control no matter how much you think you do.  To truly face the the things in life that have caused you to be depressed or whatever it is that makes you who you are.  I really want God to have all of me and I have been trying with all my heart.  Every time a negative thought comes to me I pray against that thought and then I pray for whoever, if anyone, that I thought about.  I thank God that He is with me.  That He has not forsaken me.  I have watched people come in and out of lives but one thing is certain God, has NEVER left us.  He is always there.  No Matter WHAT! 

My Prayer:  I give my praise to you Lord!  I love you with all that I am!  Bless all who read this.  Bless all who have been a part of our lives.  Help us to know when seasons have changed and you have a new walk for our lives.  Thank you that you are there when we are on our knees feeling alone.  May we always give you all the honor and glory because you are truly great. 

Quick Quick Note

Ok, so every morning I wake up to my stomach being in knots. It's like I am suppose to be worried or something. Like there is impending disaster before the day ends. Well.... I am calling this out. It is a lie from Satan. The Lord is about love and greatness. I know that I know my heart is completely His and I know that the Lord is there to protect me. So... in saying this, before I even raised up in my bed, I reached over to my laptop that was next to me and played Psalm 23. I am truly going to refuse to allow the devil strongholds in my life. God has called me and everyone to greatness but we have to go for it. My verse is this: The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7.

On to something else. After all this, I have decided to create my own blog design. So my wonderful hubby was showing me how it works because he is the master at designing and coding for websites. Well, he is to me anyway. Ok, so I am truly going to attempt this and with the Lord I can do all things.

Long Time

Well, I wanted to open myself up and get things out verses holding them in. A lot has happened in the past 5 years. But my focus is mainly on my life right now. First off, I have failed God many many many times in the past. But I want my life back. I have been begging God to show up and He has been right here. He knows I express myself through writing. Not good at spelling or grammar most of the time but yet its how I am able to work through things going on. Let me start off by just being honest about me. Yes, I have been going to church for the past 23 years of my life. I backslid several times but always find my way back to God. Thank You Lord for Your Grace and Mercy and Your LOVE for me. I have dealt with depression my entire life. I can remember being 5 and wanting to kill myself. I was diagnosed by an official doctor when I was 13. It was at that point I was placed on antidepressants and nerve pills. My family couldn't afford to keep me on the medicine so needless to say I was in my 20's before I was ever able to get back on them again. I have spent the past 15 years of my life going back and forth on them. One reason I have questioned whether I am allowing God to work a miracle in me by taking them. So, I have had many issues between suicidal thoughts to obsessive over friends and issues in my life. Friends left me and I understand why. God never did. Now to the nitty gritty of my issues. I am a control freak. I have put such an emphasis on what others think about me and gaining acceptance that I lost focus of the things that mattered. I have never been one to have friends or deeper issue at hand is I don't trust. I am a very angry and bitter person. I don't forgive and have therefore been a hypocrite. Now most would be like wow in a depressive mood, are ya? No, God has brought me along way. On my March 25th of this year, my husband who I love very much was diagnosed with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia. To top all of this off, he was further diagnosed with a gene mutation called Flt3 which does not respond to chemo as far as a cure.  We have truly been stripped of everything we knew about our lives. I have lost all control of my life and my families life.  I have despised this road. I have become a very bitter and mean human being. I have been mad at God and friends and just life. For someone who is not on antidepressants its been the worst walk of my life. Until recently. Life is not miracuously grand and all is fixed in my world but I have been in deep prayer and reflection. I want to share these reflections in a completely raw and honest way. I am not going to allow the devil a stronghold on my life and my families life, which is what I have been doing. I have blamed people that didn't deserve to be blamed and talked about people out of anger and frankly I have been the one in the wrong. I allowed anger into my life because I couldn't control it anymore. Thing is God needs me to trust. Something I have never done, with anyone. Until I can trust Him I can't trust life and people and I am never going to have a good life. I can either stay in this angry mode or I can listen up to what God is wanting to show me. I am going to share my husbands journey and my journey and our children's journey. I want to be who I am for once in my life and stop being a hypocrite and living a lie. I want others to see there are others dealing with the exact same issues and how life is. Okay, self absorbed, I am truly just doing what I feel God wants me to do. So here we go.......